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Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Hitman Dream

Sometimes I want to be a hitman. My life as a hitman would be fantastic. I would drink classy things like expensive white wines and sip vodka no-ices. I would eat pure vegetarian meals (after all, if I killed humans for money, I wouldn't need to kill animals for food) consisting primarily of organic, locally grown produce. And I would use light vinegarette dressing.
I would be classy as fuck.

I'd be the guy who spends a lot of time alone, never letting his few friends know his dire secret - he is a trained assassin. I would be proficient in so many kinds of munitions and ways to make things look like an accident. And my modus operandi would be to inflict as little pain as possible. No one needs to get hurt, just killed. You know. Because I'd be a hitman, and that's what we do. Kill and swoon ladies. And there would be much swooning.

I wouldn't be a suit-and-tie hitman. That's so passé. I'd be a fashionably conscious hitman and on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings I would read fashion blogs to get up-to-date information. Then I would go to thrift stores and places that sell slick looking threads and I would look real good. Except when I was on the job. Then my wardrobe would be different depending on the circumstances. If I had to kill a man who was a football watcher and I could only get him at the stadium, I would wear a jersey for the team he liked and offer to buy him a drink. Then I would kill him. Death by hotdog. And I would think in my head "Should have watched your cholesterol." But I would not say it. Witty remarks when you're killing someone is too tacky for me, the super-hip hitman.

I think in my spare time, when I'm not at the shooting range or practicing my martial arts and close-quarters-combat, I would probably pick up a hobby of perhaps writing down novels based on my exploits. Or maybe a comic series. I can see that going over well. The title of the first issue could be The Hitman Buys a Sweet Vintage Leather Jacket and Kills a Man With a Shower Curtain. And I would have my equally-hip-but-not-a-hitman friend hand-draw/paint/sculpt every panel. And we would make it available on the internet for everyone to read.

I see that getting much attention. Would you read it? I know you know that you might.

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