we are supermodern we are retroactive we are automatons
we are individuals we are whispers we are all you hear.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dust to dust, she said.

I've been more cheerful than normal the last few days and I can't figure out why. Nothing in my life has changed, really, except that I've accepted failing English. I don't really know what is going on around me anymore. I feel like I become more and more withdrawn as the hours pass. I used to socialize with everyone on my floor as often as I could but now I just want to get away from them, most of the time. It happened in my old residence too; I just withdrew myself from everyone and turned into some sort of rare legendary Pokémon, the ones that change location every time you look them up in your Pokédex. Except I'm always here. Right here, in this uncomfortable chair. With my eyes on the screen and my hands on plastic. I just backspaced what I put here.

I went out last night, to a bar I've never been before. Gus's Pub is a real place. It exists, yeah, but it doesn't hold up the same pretense as the Lower Deck and the Seahorse. Gus's feels like a place you can sit and nurse your whiskey straight and no one with look at you, thinking "WHY ISN'T HE HAVING A GOOD TIME LIKE ME???" And there's a glassed-in area with slot machines. I saw an amazing old lady wearing all fur and one of those tall cylinder hats leave at one point during the night, I think just after they turned the machines off.

It was Indie Pop Night and I had so much fun. Almost everyone there was dancing, on the stage, on the dance floor, on the carpeted areas around the dance floor. There was one guy there, a jolly fellow with an amazing moustache, who I didn't like at first because he was a clapper. You know, the guy who occasionally claps to the beat for a bit, but he's the only one doing it. I'm not really a fan of clappers, but he was hilarious. I complimented his moustache and he gave me a gigantic jovial, shy smile and thanked me for it. It reversed my opinion of him instantly. I met a girl from the messageboard I take part on, and saw another girl I met last week at the Palace (which I am not going to again for an undisclosed amount of time because it sucks). I saw the stock manager, one of the guys who interviewed me, from American Apparel and I hope he remembers me and gets the other manager to call me for a job. There was a girl there with amazing black hair and gorgeous eyes who I wanted to talk to but for some reason I always want eye contact before I say anything. I don't regret mistakes, but I do feel that way for missed opportunities. At least you try if you make a mistake. The friends I went with all had fun, I had a lot of fun, it was good. I also met a friend from my Spanish tutorial and, after all my friends left, we hung out for the rest of the night.

After we got her very drunk friend a cab, we started to walk to the downtown region and she asked me what my favourite word was, in terms of both sound and meaning, together. This was really difficult. I had no idea (have no idea?) what that is, so I said cavalier, first. Then chivalry. Her's is robust, which made me think of a very busty robot and I told her that. She didn't seem to appreciate the imagery. I told her about the film I am planning to make for my NSCAD portfolio and she asked me what the whole thing meant. I had to think about it for a bit, but I guess it really just means that no matter what you do in life, it doesn't amount to anything substantial because it all goes away the moment your eyes see white for the last time. Ashes to ashes, I said. Dust to dust, she said.

Now I believe I am some form of negative realist-nihilist fusion wherein nothing means anything except how it pertains to Actual Reality and thinking anything else is just altering your state of Personal Reality. I'll think I'll keep the explanation for that until tomorrow.

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